Gaston no, Draco
by lady-daydreamer
Summary: Why are the Slytherins in 18th century muggle clothes? And why are they singing?


Disclaimer: The characters from the Harry Potter books/movies are owned by Ms. Rowling. 'Beauty and the Beast' belongs to Disney (and so does the original story), with the original Gaston song written by Alan Menkin and Howard Ashman. Most of the original song is intact; I just changed a few words to suit the story. Speaking of the story it is only written for laughs, not profit, so I hope it does just that. I hope you readers like this crossover parody, and I'll tell you how I came up with this crazy idea at the end. (Note: Reading this will be a lot funnier if you've just watched "Beauty and the Beast", especially the part with "Gaston" in it, and right before.)  
  
Gaston . no, Draco  
  
Draco Malfoy sat in a high-backed armchair in front of a roaring fire, leaning forward with his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees; he was sulking. That itself wasn't strange. What was strange was that instead of his school robes, or any other robes, he was wearing a red and tan tunic, dark brown trousers and brown boots. And instead of being in the Slytherin common room, or one of the other recognizable rooms at Hogwarts, he was in a room that had a wood and stone interior and a bear- skin rug on the floor, and someone had decorated the wall by the fireplace with mounted deer heads, complete with antlers. Even the chair seemed to have a hunter's theme with the fur and antlers on it. There was noise and talking in the background, lots of customers. It seemed that where Draco was sitting was one end of a tavern, like The Three Broomsticks. But this didn't look much like the familiar place; it had to be somewhere else.  
  
The blond-haired teenager suddenly broke his sulky silence by ranting to no one in particular: "Who does that girl think she is? No one says no to Draco Malfoy!" Crabbe and Goyle approached Draco's chair. They were dressed in strange clothes too, including brown tailcoats. They carried foamy-topped mugs in their hands. "Darn right!" exclaimed Crabbe, handing him a mug. This was another thing that was unusual, because all three boys were a few years too young to be drinking anything alcoholic. Then again, Draco wasn't the type to let things like age limits stop him from drinking beer, if he wanted; and his two goons would follow his lead.  
  
Apparently though, Draco was not really in the mood for liquor right now. Instead of taking the beer and drinking it, he continued ranting, "Disgraced! Publicly humiliated! It's more than I can bear." He grabbed the beer-filled mug and threw it into the fire, which momentarily flared up when the flammable liquid hit it. Draco's two flunkies looked at each other, stupidly wondering what to do next. Finally Crabbe asked, "More beer?"  
  
"What for?" Draco snapped. "Nothing helps!"  
  
The two big goons looked at each other, shaking their heads. Then they both crouched down beside their leader's chair. This time Goyle spoke, "Draco, you've got to pull yourself together!" It was strange to hear either Crabbe or Goyle being so articulate. The scene got even stranger when Goyle started to sing!  
  
"Gosh, it disturbs us to see you, Draco, Looking so down in the dumps, Everyone here wants to be you, Draco, Even when taking your lumps."  
  
Then Crabbe joined in!  
"There's no one in town who's admired as you,  
You're everyone's favorite guy,  
Everyone's awed and inspired by you And it's not very hard to see why."  
  
Crabbe and Goyle turned Draco's furry, antlered chair around toward the rest of the room, which seemed to be mainly filled with students from Slytherin house, dressed in 18th century muggle clothes, raising their mugs to him. The scene officially became really bizarre when three teenage girls in off-the-shoulder peasant dresses, all of whom looked just like Pansy Parkinson, rushed to Draco's side and started to sigh and fawn over him.  
  
The goons continued to sing, dancing around, ballet/Broadway style, as they did so: "No . one's . as slick as Draco Is as quick as Draco, No one's neck is incredibly thick as Draco, (which was ironic, because Draco's neck wasn't thick at all) There's no one in town who's as manly, Perfect, a pure paragon. You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley, And they'll tell you which team they prefer to be on."  
  
Crabbe and Goyle were pretty bad singers, and their dancing was even worse, causing lots of property damage from, for example, knocking into people and things, tables breaking as they tried to dance on top of them, etc. Which is probably why a bunch of the Slytherin customers decided to seize them. But instead of beating up the two oafs, the crowd decided to join in the singing:  
  
"No . one's . ever been like Draco,  
A kingpin like Draco,  
And no one has a swell cleft in his chin like Draco."  
  
(Crabbe tried to tickle the non-existent cleft in Draco's chin, but the blond boy slapped him away). But in spite of his annoyance, it seemed that finally Draco seemed to regain his confidence and joined in himself, his voice sounding comparably better than Crabbe and Goyle:  
"As a specimen, I'm intimidating!" (Actually without his goons, he wasn't that intimidating).  
"My, what a guy, that Draco!" sang his buddies.  
"Give five hurrahs, give twelve hip-hips!"  
  
"Draco is the best", sang Crabbe.  
  
"And the rest are all drips!" finished Goyle, accidentally splashing beer in his boss's face. Draco looked rather angry that his slicked-back hairstyle and his tunic were ruined, and so punched his goons, which shouldn't have affected them, but somehow it did, and started a bar-brawl, which Draco strangely seemed to be winning. The Slytherins not in the fight continued to sing,  
  
"No one fights like Draco,  
Punches out lights like Draco,"  
  
Someone who looked like the Slytherin student called Nott added, "And in a wrestling match no one bites like Draco!" At this comment, Draco dropped his macho attitude, and instead snapped in the petulant, childish tone he still occasionally used when he didn't get his way, "Liar! I do not bite! Malfoys never bite! It is beneath our dignity! I'll tell my father.!"  
  
Thankfully though, Draco's immature rant was cut short when the three Pansy- clones (in red, orange, and green dresses respectively) all sitting on a bench, chimed in (they weren't too bad), "For there's no one in town as burly and brawny".  
  
Draco - who had snapped back into macho manner -- was neither of those things, but was somehow able to lift the bench with the three girls into the air "As you see, I've got biceps to spare" (actually he didn't).  
  
Crabbe warbled "Not an bit of him's straggly or scrawny!" (In reality, Draco was somewhat scrawny). "That's right!" Draco agreed, dropping the occupied bench and letting his goons awkwardly catch it. The three Pansy's didn't mind much, just letting out thrilled squeals as they were caught.  
  
Draco then reached to open the neck of his tunic "And every inch of me's covered with --"  
  
"NNOOOOO!!!" an anguished female voice rang out. "Make it stop!!!"  
  
* * *  
  
The image of the pub-room and the singing and dancing Slytherins mercifully faded as Hermione Granger sat up in bed in her room at her house in the muggle world. She rubbed her hands over her face; it had been just a dream. She suspected it might have been. But why had she imagined Draco Malfoy and the Slytherins replacing Gaston and his buddies in the scene from "Beauty and the Beast"? It was just too weird. Although it was nowhere as weird as Harry's dreams usually were, and they usually turned out to be real. Her dreams didn't come true, thank goodness. And this one seemed to come out of nowhere. What was its source?  
  
"It must just be everything that's going on lately," she murmured. "That, and it could have something to do with the fact that I just saw that movie again for the first time in years. It used to be my favorite when I was a kid." In any case, it would provide a much needed laugh for Harry and Ron when she saw them next. Well, mostly for Harry because Ron had never seen the movie her dream was based on. But she knew Ron would still find it funny. Now that she knew it was just a dream, she decided to settle down and take advantage of the fact that she could sleep late on her summer vacation. Calm now, an odd thought crossed her mind as she started to doze off. A "Beauty and the Beast"-like dream featuring people I know? Hmph, wonder who Belle and The Beast would've been..  
  
So, did you like it? Huh? Ahem! *Embarrassed, clears throat.* Oh yeah, I said I would explain how I came up with this story. Well, it all started while I was over at one of my cousin's house this summer, I will call her BEMA for now. I had watched her copy of "Beauty and the Beast" for the first time in ages (actually it was the Special Edition DVD, but that's not important right now.) and for some reason had the song "Gaston" stuck in my head. Well, BEMA and I were talking about Harry Potter, and she mentioned Draco for the umpteenth time (she has a love/hate opinion of him; I myself just dislike him, which makes the idea that I wrote something featuring him even stranger). All of a sudden, the two things crossed in my mind and I imagined the "Gaston" song with Draco's name inserted in it. And so the idea for a crazy crossover fic was born. I told BEMA about it and she said "Yeah1 And Hermione could wake up screaming, "Noooo!!". So, I did just that. So, please tell me what you think, was it funny, was it stupid, did you know it was a dream from the beginning? Review and let me know. Thanks for reading and goodnight. 


End file.
